Wimminz – celebrating skank ho's everywhere

I opened two new business bank accounts yesterday, and I did it from the comfort of my own home, over the telephone, in 45 minutes.

It took a friend of mine longer than that and two visits to the bank branch to open a personal account, need to see driving licence, utility bill, grandfather’s sperm sample and family tree going back to AD 1654.

It’s all to do with teroorismmms and drug dealers money laundering innit.

Contrast this with the UK Customs and Revenue VAT people, they closed all the local offices, so now ya gotta do it all online innit… http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/ cepts it’s always fucking up and you have to do a password reset and when you try to do that online that fucks up too, so you have to ring them and sit in a queue for 45 minutes to have a 4 minute conversation where they arrange to post you a new one snail mail, and allow 21 days for it to arrive.

If online banking worked like that nobody would be using online banking, and essentially that is exactly what it is, online banking/accounts.

Don’t get me started on online accounting software, and the phasing out of standalone offline accounting software, I just said fuck it and bought paper books and a pen.

But the economy is going great, never been fucking stronger, everyone is loaded and we’ve never had it so good, everything from banks to post offices to supermarkets are getting rid of staff and replacing them with self service robots, nobody has to do menial jobs any more, and robots aren’t programmed to deal with questions like “scuse me love, where are the fucking toilets?”

Next month I’m off to court, as the complainant, naming a very large power utility company and my former letting agents as defendants, see, thing is the utility are sending around bailiffs demanding the 2k I owe them, and the letting agents have been taking the money for the utilities for three years, but apparently it hasn’t been getting to the utility company, or maybe it has and the utility company has lost it.. who knows.. all I know is I always paid at source and can prove it and have emails from said letting agents agreeing to same, so off we go to a court for a judge to sort it out.

Next year, just like the supermarkets and banks and so on, the judge will be replaced with another self service robot, so good luck getting your shit sorted out then.

Of course the people “running” the various stock and bond and equity and share markets around the world are no more competent than the people running the local bank branches or supermarkets or anything else, and by the way, there has never been a better time to buy a house.

From america we are hearing that all those small towns that had a walmart express open up and push all the other small traders out of business, well, those walmart expresses are closing down even faster than they opened up, literally giving notice of closure on a wednesday and being locked up forever by the saturday next, and now there are no small traders and no walmart express in your small town, fuck off to the nearest larger town.

So *utterly* unpredictable and amazing and unbelievable, I mean, who could have guessed???

But the newspapers are full of house buying advice, news about the latest made up split / threesome between Blac China, Klit Kardashian and Lew Brush, the latest amazing tattoo to replace the belly button, and some inspirational fuck who nearly got molested 2 years ago at a party, or would have been if her tits were bigger, or she wasn’t so ugly, or if she had actually attended the party, or something.

The odd mention is creeping in about stocks and bonds and things, but it’s a footnote compared to world exclusive photos of Putin being seen in the same country at Fritzl, so they are obviously sick paedos together innit.

And all the really interesting stuff, like the 10% mortality rate for “california flu” which just happened to escape from a bio weapons research lab that just happens to be staffed by yanks and which just happens to be located in Ukraine, you know, no boots on the ground, civilian advisers only stuff…. weaponised H1N1 bird flu innit

Not a fucking mention.

And there is so *much* good stuff that gets not a fucking mention.

Meanwhile in an office not so far away from me there were three guys yesterday who were planning the shift rotas for today and tomorrow, and then one of the drivers rolls in this morning and says BTW assholes, I’ll be finishing at 3pm today, not my usual time of 6pm… and the three guys are all WTF why not??

And when the three assholes ask why, he says “working time directive” innit, you have me scheduled for a 3 am start tomorrow, and the law says I gotta have a 12 hour break.

IQ’s must be running around 60, I see it *everywhere* all the fucking time.

Not even the most basic fundamental and short term projection from choice and action to consequence and re-action.

Reminds me of jerk offs way way way back in the day when I used to install and service old electro-mechanical (literally, all mechanical cams and switches and relays, not a digital item in sight) slot machines, and some fuck in a pub would harp on about when you see two “BAR” come up and one “CHERRY” on the third reel that was the time to put more money in, but if you saw three BAR but none of them on the winning line that was the time to walk away.

(Dude, I can’t even find a fucking PICTURE of the insides of one of these on google….)

LITERALLY just a big ass transformer with multiple taps, a whole bunch of small geared electric motors driving banks of adjustable cams that each actuated a microswitch, and a board full of big ass relays, a relatively simple drum mechanism with actual wired contacts across the drum, depending on the various drum positions, coin mech, miles and miles of fucking multicoloured wire, hundreds of tiny filament bulbs, chipboard veneer wooden case, and some fancy painted glass panels.

That was it, 2 p for two goes, “Mr Cherry”, thing would draw about 450 watts…lol… getting obsolete in 1979 so I could buy them off the company for a fiver a pop and flog them out to mates for their rooms etc for twenty quid a pop.

Nevertheless, these fuckwits would ignore all that electro-mechanical analogue gubbins, and ascribe some arcane mystical and magical process to whatever went on inside, and yet STILL nurture a fucking belief that they could somehow read the system and game it and know when to play and not to play, or when to press hold and when not to, and come out ahead…

The *only* thing on the planet that is dumber than;

I am SMARTER than this slot machine.
I am SMARTER than this games console
I am SMARTER than this PC
I am SMARTER than this salesman
I am SMARTER than this mechanic
I am SMARTER than this dude on the internet

is;

I am NOT AS SMART as Merkel
I am NOT AS SMART as Hitlery
I am NOT AS SMART as Cameroon
I am NOT AS SMART as Obummer

etc

When the facts are the old 1975 vintage Mr Cherry 100% electromechanical analogue slot machine was smarter than all of them put together, because it was consistent, and consistently paid out only about 75% of what was put in.

When you work with the fucking things installing and repairing them you realise the only way to beat them is to not play them, at all, ever… then about six months later you realise the only way to really beat them is to own one, or more, and put them somewhere you can find dumb people, which is almost anywhere, but especially in pubs and clubs and arcades.

Buying my fucking laser is/was a gamble, buying a set of tools is a gamble, buying a breakdown recovery truck or a HIAB crane truck is a gamble, you are buying a tool to do a job, and gambling that there will be enough work given to you that you will show a profit.

Buying a shop is one step more removed a gamble, the shop itself doesn’t earn you money, it just provided a venue where you might be able to make money.

Buying a shop or house to rent out is one step further removed.

Buying intangibles like AAPL shares is one (large) step further removed.

I had a mate who once tried selling home heating oil, he bought a tanker and bought it cheap, and went to an area that had lots of nice homes and lots of people who played the stock market, both professionally and as keen amateur “investors”

He figured it would be an easy sell, after all the stock market is about something appreciating in value, and buying heating oil in June before the usual winter price hikes was a no brainer way to do it.

OH NO, he did not sell a drop, ended up supplying building sites and shit that needed it NOW, (it’s just diesel really) because all these stock market gamblers had *better* things to gamble their money on.

And typically they will wait until the first frost to order heating oil, and then wonder why they will have to wait a week for a delivery slot…

Buy the fucking dip doesn’t apply to fuel or toilet roll or rice y’see…