by Ramin Mazaheri for The Saker Blog

Today I was flying back to New York from San Francisco on the “Job Creator’s Red Eye”, when I read a New York Times headline and sub-headline worthy of American feminism:

“The Ridiculous Fantasy of a ‘No Drama’ Relationship: Online, that’s what men say they want from women. Do they know nothing about life?”

It’s funny, because as I was reading this article I was actually mixing acids and bases while putting a 9-volt battery in mouth (we can do anything in first-class): “This time will be different”, I keep thinking.

But I realised that this was long-overdue payback: Think of all the headlines you have seen which read, “Do women know anything about life?”

I am a modern American male and – despite being born in such a depraved, unredeemable state – I can answer that question in the affirmative: Whatever a woman thinks simply must be correct, and the proper role of a modern American male is to always remind her of that.

And if it is written in The New York Times it must be the pinnacle of modern global leftism, so I read this article about the dating travails of an upper-middle-aged woman.

“But then I read that he was ‘100 percent drama-free’ and demanded that any dates be the same way. I thought, ‘Here’s somebody who probably won’t listen if I’m having a bad day’ and swiped left to indicate my lack of interest.”

This reminded me of Vladimir Putin. Due to the 2.5-year Russophobia campaign courageously waged by US leftists, I am also reminded of Putin when I get out of bed each morning (I still can’t figure out what’s triggering that?) and upon every exhalation.

When Putin was asked if he ever had bad days he responded, “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days. I am not trying to insult anyone. That’s just the nature of things. There are certain natural cycles.” This was not hilarious, rather reasonable and rather compassionate, but more proof that Vladimir Putin has ruined American democracy because he is an anti-drama totalitarian. American math in 2019 is very simple: “Putin = bad”, and “Putin ≠ lady drama”, ergo “lady drama = good”, and this equation is something all patriotic, liberal American males must accept.

Back to the article: “Another dating app, OkCupid, examined the 2018 profiles of all its users in the United States without separating for sexual orientation and found that men over all (sic) were 10 percent more likely to say this (the phrase “no drama” or “drama-free”) than women.”

Because relationship drama is actually a positive and not a negative, I object to the assertion that we men are only 10% stupider than women – it’s obviously far higher, statistics be damned.

Because I am old enough to be a CEO, I recall a time when men used to say that they loved their wife for her “common sense” – maybe “no drama” is the modern version of that, and by “that” I mean “the hateful and repressive patriarchy”.

“Are they looking for a woman who never gets angry or afraid or sad, who never worries about her family or struggles in her job? Who would want to be with such a person?”

I want to be with such a person! In fact, in my online dating profile I put that I am looking for a woman “who is regularly angry, afraid and sad”. Surprisingly, some women asked me if this was a “weird fetish”?

“After 23 years of marriage, I went through an unexpected and painful divorce. Several people I love deeply suffered from addiction and found their way to recovery (a sentence that doesn’t begin to capture nearly four years of hell). I had to sell our family home and move to a rental. Then I lost my beloved dog, Spike — which, weirdly, felt the worst….”

I find it very hard to believe that someone who loves their pet more than their husband could have marital difficulties? I also would prefer to marry a dog – LGBTQ“B”, with the second ‘B’ for “Bestiality”?

What? You can’t separate me from my “comfort animal” just because you have a problem with drama.

“Vanessa Valenti, co-founder of the feminist website Feministing, had a different take. ‘I think it’s pretty sexist,’ she told me. ‘You might as well say ‘no humans,’ you know?”

I know. “No humans” is appealing – why else am I thinking about going dog, amirite?! High five, bitches!

(A note from the CEO’s Administrative Executive Assistant/Vice Executive President of Quality Control: This column was dictated but not read. The word “bitch” is the proper term for a female dog. Please do not send him more hate mail, as he gets enough already from his workers and their families.)

Valenti added: “‘I think there are unrealistic expectations put on women to be accommodating at all times in their relationships.’”

So true – it’s men who must be accommodating at all times. They used to say that not taking it out on others when you’re having a bad day is called “character” – it’s not: it’s male sexism (and pro-Putinism).

“Ms. Valenti said that when men say they want no drama, ‘they’re signaling to others that they’re someone who’s incapable of witnessing and honoring another person’s feelings.’”

Why does my dating profile say that I am looking for a “partner” when what I really want is a “witness”. Preferably, someone who understands good lighting – for when they’re filming my daily Instagram rant.

“Are we setting a precedent of the emotionless partner who has no needs? In my opinion, that would create a culture of pretty disastrous relationships.”

If there is one thing America should not tolerate it’s possibly gaining a reputation of being a place full of pretty disastrous relationships. “Just say no” to refusing to witness her drama!

What is so great is that American women obviously have perfect relationships with their mothers – how can they not, since women are the only ones who “know something”?

Conversely, it is only logical that my relationship my father is totally unsatisfying, as these are the meetings of two humans who don’t “know anything about life”, and also of the necessity of an unending series of dramatic catharses. Our icy, unfeeling stupidity explains why we can foolishly watch a football game together and maintain a pleasant atmosphere for 3 whole hours – what a “ridiculous fantasy”! The next time I see him I’m going to end the fatherly tyranny and say, “You know what? You can go drama yourself, Dad!”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense for men and women in the dating world to look inward and develop compassion for themselves, rather than try to control the drama outside them? ‘When you’ve suffered in these serious ways,’ Dr. Mark Epstein, a New York City psychiatrist and Buddhist author, told me, ‘it lets you see the suffering everywhere, if you’re not pretending that it’s not happening to you.’”

God, I just love Buddhism and Taoism from those who fully grasp the Indian and Chinese cultures which nurtured and informed these religious systems. But I mostly like Buddhism and Taoism because their monks prove that no one needs a romantic partner: all the life-nourishing drama a true American needs is within. Giving up on the opposite sex is true enlightenment, and the NY Times realises that what I want as a CEO are monks-slash-workers.

“I also wonder if people mean it when they say they’re looking for ‘no drama’.”

I’m just like the author: no matter how many times someone tells me something I don’t want to hear, I just refuse to accept it.

This is not manufacturing drama! And stop telling me to stop using exclamation points – that is more anti-drama patriarchy! But the exclamation point is obviously phallic and testicular – we demand less gender-repressive punctuation!

This month IMF Chief Christine Lagarde quit to move up to the European Central Bank, and The New York Times ran the headline: “In Tense Times, ‘Call in the Woman’: Lagarde Will Lead the E.C.B.”

Lagarde showcased the skills which will make up for her total lack of central banking experience: “As I have said many times, if it had been Lehman Sisters rather than Lehman Brothers, the world might well look a lot different today.”

Lagarde clearly has a perfect comprehension of the aims, practices and results of neoliberalism, therefore she knows: the Great Recession was entirely the fault of Lehman Brothers. However, “Lehman” sounds Jewish – Jews seem pretty dramatic… but drama is good. And yet Lagarde knows that a single family of Jewish bankers entirely caused the Great Recession… which was bad? I was confused, so I went back to coach to ask another dramatic Middle Easterner – my colleague Fazlollah.

“Hey Lefty,” I said (I call him that because his name is too hard to pronounce), “do men know anything about life in your country?”

Lefty said: “If my wife thinks I’m stupid, then she must be even stupider: at least I wasn’t dumb enough to marry an idiot.”

I didn’t get it – as usual a Lefty has wasted my time.

This article was really stirring up some feelings I couldn’t cope with, so I’m glad the author only had two more sentences.

“There are days when you accidentally sideswipe your neighbor’s car or you have to check someone you love into rehab.”

I accidentally sideswipe my neighbour’s car on a regular basis. “What’s the big deal?” I say, when the guy comes out yelling and smacking his forehead. “Stop being so anti-drama.”

I actually found that sentence strangely familiar: When my 3rd wife broke up with me she said, “It’s because you’re always sideswiping the neighbor’s car and all your close friends require rehab.” Little did she know how incredibly sexist she was being!

“Other days are steeped in joy. The kind of partner I’d like shows up for it all.”

I remember the day my girl was born (my 6th child, from my 4th wife): my wife put the baby in my hands and I immediately felt a wave of intense drama come over me – it was like I had just sideswiped a car, or checked another loved one into rehab. Just like this author, I am unable to make any differentiation between “good drama” or “bad drama”. Perhaps this is why I am single again?

Thankfully, American feminism has no class component, but is black and white: men bad, women good. It’s a universal value which only backwards countries and cultures disagree with. What American women need to do is to man up, and say so. They also need to realise that in the modern Western world “feminine” is rightly synonymous with “weakness”. And always, always, always: amp up the drama.

Ramin Mazaheri is the chief correspondent in Paris for Press TV and has lived in France since 2009. He has been a daily newspaper reporter in the US, and has reported from Iran, Cuba, Egypt, Tunisia, South Korea and elsewhere. He is the author of I’ll Ruin Everything You Are: Ending Western Propaganda on Red China. His work has appeared in various journals, magazines and websites, as well as on radio and television. He can be reached on Facebook.