by Ramin Mazaheri for the Saker Blog
So there I was again on the “Job Creator’s Red-Eye” (NYC to Silicon Valley) and I made this fateful, election-shaping decision.
The reality is that as a big-time CEO we all knew this was coming – it was announced at the last Bilderburg meeting and re-confirmed at Davos. Trump was there, and he objected, and even though I hate Trump with the same postmodern fury of a nose-ringed, 95-pound Brooklyn barista (8 pounds in tattoo ink and 2 pounds in glasses) I cannot allow such obvious political manipulation to go unchecked.
The New York Times refuses to admit who gave them more than two decades of Trump’s tax returns, and just two days before the first Trump-Biden debate no less.
I wonder how many days Joe will be sequestered from the media after he drinks his now-usual pre-dabate Long Island Ice Tea cocktail of beta-blockers, amphetamines, vitamin B12, anabolic steroids and Chinese rhinoceros horn? I was told the same amount doesn’t give Joe the same kick like before – that’s a problem. If Joe wins I guess we’ll have to grind up all the Chinese rhinos in the world just so Joe can hold a press conference with the King of Sweden, Carl XVI Gustaf? More concerning than the rhinos is that if we add in too many psychedelics Joe will try and pull off something folksy like, “So you are the first King Carl but you are the 16th Gustaf? Howzatwork? And is it ’16 Gustafs’ or ‘16th Gustaves’?”
Back to the tax returns: the bottom line is that Americans will be shocked and appalled to discover that rich people successfully and legally avoid paying their taxes.
So in order to protect my fellow CEOs I must keep this rough worldly knowledge from the virgin ears of the average American, and thus I must reveal the source of the Times leak:
The source of Trump’s IRS tax information is none other than my neighbour who lives two doors down, Lemuel Sherbockowicz.
It’s true.
Firstly, I want to point out just how much Lemuel has been through under four years of Trump: Lemmy, you see, is a minority. Therefore, his integrity cannot be questioned.
Firstly, he’s left-handed. Do you realize how few stores carry left-handed scissors? The strips he uses in his papier-mâché artworks are terribly crooked.
Lemmy is red-headed. I wish Lemuel had been an albino, in order to strengthen his case here, but Biden has promised to add red-headedness to Title IX of the 1964 Civil Rights Code in exchange for a major score of rhino horn. (They really have Joe chasing the dragon, it seems.)
Lemmy, despite his last name, is Black. He was adopted. By immigrants. One of whom had gender-reassignment surgery, before reversing it. The other was diagnosed with serious social anxiety disorder unfairly inflicted by a repressive patriarchal society after being unable to urinate in full public view on a bet. Both parents overcame teenage acne.
So… Lemmy is bulletproof – his intentions and actions are beyond any possible reproach. The only thing you should be asking regarding Lemuel Sherbockowicz is: why haven’t you apologised to him yet?
But how did he get Trump’s tax returns?
This is how it happened: just as Democrats called up elderly Green Party supporters in Montana 25 times in order to harass them into recanting their signatures on a petition aiming to get the Greens on the presidential, congressional and local ballots (allowing third parties to actually exist obviously undermines the US claim of having free and open elections – those votes are owed to Democrats (if the voter is a real leftist) or Republicans (if the voter is a Libertarian)), Lemmy said somebody from the Times kept calling and calling and calling him to say that he had to personally hand what they claimed were Trump’s tax returns to a Times reporter.
Lemmy kept asking why the Times needed anyone to personally hand over documents which were not theirs to a Times reporter? The caller – who only identified herself as “No Throat” (because throats are merely a social construct, the caller insisted) – said that the rules of good journalism prohibit journalists from making false claims themselves… but good journalism says that relaying false claims by others is totally fine.
Lemmy said this didn’t sound like “the rules of good journalism” to him.
No Throat said the Times does this all the time in the Trump era, and then she shamed him into doing it by calling him a “traitor to his handedness” and an “Uncle Righty”.
No Throat thanked Lemmy after he gave up because he was tired of answering the phone (it’s his own fault – for still having a land line) because now the Times was able to publish just some of Trump’s tax records.
No Throat rejoiced that the people who already hate Trump will cast their one vote against Trump even harder.
And those on the fence, No Throat was sure, would surely adore the Times for working with the Internal Revenue Service to manipulate American democracy – Americans in flyover country love the tax man, right? Another savvy move from the East Coast elite – they must live in Harlem, they are so hip.
And No Throat said that by breaking to the flyover inbreds the shocking, unheard news that Trump was not actually 100% morally upright, nor as great a businessman as he wildly claims to be, would surely prove to them that Biden and his Clintonista faction must be morally upright… somehow. Lemmy said that he didn’t see this connection, but he was happy he was making some people happy they would be voting harder.
But Lemmy – being as much a Sherbockowicz as any of the Sherbockowiczes – pushed the boundary: he asked if there was some nobody like him behind the Times many, many other anonymous-based stories? Lemmy actually said, “Anonymous sources have negatively or at least questionably influenced the election more than Julian Assange or the Russians ever possibly could.”
No Throat nearly choked with righteous fury – how could Lemmy possibly question the integrity of The New York Times, especially after being intimidated into accepting their report based on totally unproven facts?! For which Lemuel Sherbockowicz is most certainly the source!
Anyway, No Throat insisted, the point is all about Trump: he is a liar. Democrats finally got a limited sample of Trump’s tax returns to prove that – despite his hundreds of millions in assets and the ability to contract loans worth hundreds of millions – he is not actually a “rich person”.
Lemmy – being a Sherbockowicz – had no reply to such logic.
Lemmy then pointed out that – like half of all Americans – he wasn’t going to vote anyway, but he’d do anything to stop these damn political robocalls! And he was too busy trying to pay the bills created by the coronavirus hysteria and resulting Great Lockdown to care all that much about the Chinese rhino population, either.
Since 2016 I have become a fanatical Russophobe – it was my patriotic duty – and I desperately want to believe that Trump is a poor person, but I simply had to relate the source of the Times’ Trump tax leaks.
Why? Because the integrity of American democracy depends on it! And on a steady supply of rhino horn for Joe.
***************
This totally unserious piece is dedicated to my beautifully serious friend, mentor and colleague, Andre Vltchek. He tragically died of natural causes at only 57, but after a life overflowing with inspirational leftist journalism that was seemingly without peer. Andre left us too soon, but he left us with so very, very, very much. Read him, watch him, listen – you will remember him.
Rest in Peace comrade.
Ramin Mazaheri is currently covering the US elections. He is the chief correspondent in Paris for PressTV and has lived in France since 2009. He has been a daily newspaper reporter in the US, and has reported from Iran, Cuba, Egypt, Tunisia, South Korea and elsewhere. He is the author of ‘Socialism’s Ignored Success: Iranian Islamic Socialism’as well as ‘I’ll Ruin Everything You Are: Ending Western Propaganda on Red China’, which is also available in simplified and traditional Chinese.
Funny, Ramin, but there’s no mystery where Trump’s leaked tax returns came from. They had just been released the week before to the Southern District of New York who is investigating Trump’s business dealings, decades of money laundering for his Kosher Nostra gangster pals and, of course, tax evasion. You are right that it was no coincidence that these documents were released to the New York Times just before tonight’s debate, but Trump had it coming to him the way he fought for years to keep his business dealing secret.
His tax returns underscore how the USA was always about socialism for the wealthy and cut-throat capitalism for everyone else. We must be the only nation on the planet where the wealthy go around gloating and bragging about how they’ve gamed the system into giving them tax credits rather than tax bills.
Hope the Trumpsters don’t overdo it with triple back flips trying to explain away Trump’s psychopathic money-grabbing nature. I’m sure the Christian Zionists, who constitute his rock-solid base, have no problem with it, as long as he keeps on slavishly supporting Israel and screwing the Palestinians. Trump and Pompeo are setting the stage for that apocalyptic war to end all wars they crave so much. Fits right in with their crazy end-times theology.
Sorry Tom , it is not theology that they practice. World Domination is not a Theos thing. It is carnal.
I do practice somewhat of a Theology. It goes like this. Honor your Theos. Honor your neighbour’s freedom to make his own mistakes. And always walk away from Liars/Diabolos.
Sad to say, this is the bunch of pseudo-Christians that Trump plays to. Like I said, they are his rock-solid base. In the words of Pastor John Hagee, the founder of Christians United for Israel, “50 million evangelical bible-believing Christians unite with five million American Jews standing together on behalf of Israel,” They believe that Palestine belongs not to the Palestinians (many of whom are Christian) but exclusively to “God’s chosen people.”
The situation in an ongoing scam and is only possible because the Chosen are not Called to argue, fight ,or kill anyone to make room for themselves. We have actually retreated into isolation and closed the door behind us. The Spirit doesn’t live only in the moment that Evil arises. The Spirit is Eternal, and knows the end from the beginning. Nobody I Know ,would ask Whitey Rule of Law to make a place for Ourselves. We’d sooner die. The Jews rejected their King when He was Sent, and choose Roman rule. Jewish rebellions fail because Christ had left them to their choice. The Powers that be are from the Adversary ,and there is no truth in them. Don’t fret over these nasty God and neighbours haters and their antichrist spawn from hell, Thy too shall have an end. Distance yourself from everything Satan loves because these things are temporary.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
4.5 billion years is not a temporary situation, it’s a forever dealeo, the human race, the race that gets to 3rd base but never gets home.
When you shorten that time span to around 6000 years, you know that these so-called Christians are not playing with a full deck. Yet, they vote, 50 million of them, most likely all for Trump. May Heaven help us all.
After watching that mess last night I can only conclude that the Dems are actively trying to throw the election to Trump. Minority party has always been their primary appeal, the better to blame everything on them “evil Republicans.” It’s all Kabuki theater – we’re being played. I can’t bear to watch any more of it.
I understand your point but it won’t be any different with Biden or any other future us president
It’s the zioncabal who guides everything
And if humanity doesn’t resolve that very soon it will end very very ugly
If you watched the debate last night, you must understand that Trump is a desperate man. He’s desperate to remain in the presidency in order to stay out of prison for his many crimes. He’s frequently implied that he will not abide by the results of the November election. His Proud Boy (actually, Sturmabteilung) thugs are ready to mix it up with the so-called Antifa to disrupt the elections with more fake street theater. He told them last night to just “stand back and stand by”. WTF did he mean by that?
Haven’t seen a list of his crimes, yet……………………the real ones, not the populist propaganda crimes…………any chance you could list them (Obamas, Bushes and Clintons also, for comparrison only. Wouldn’t want to see Barry, George and Bill hanging with the pedo bros at Rikers)…………then we could throw a legal eye on them see if, like shit, they stick.
Cheers, M
Let’s start with laundering drug money for the Kosher Nostra through his real estate empire for decades, ever since he was Roy Cohn’s protege back in the 1980s. Then, there’s the tax fraud to cover it all up. The Southern District of New York just a few days ago got their hands on his tax returns. He had been fighting for years to keep them hidden. They will hopefully move on prosecuting him in January, unless of course there is an “October surprise” in the works to keep him in office indefinitely.
Ramin, my politics are mostly libertarian (and by that I mean real libertarian, which has very little to do with the so called Libertarian Party at present), so I usually disagree with a lot of what you write. In spite of that I also agree with quite a bit of what you write, as you do not seem to be blinded by partisan hatred towards people who have different beliefs. Anyway, what did here is a true masterpiece.
Ramin, that piece of yours was genius level of writing! Andre Vltchek was an outstanding truther! If you guys ever plan a biography, I would surely wanted to write a chapter or commit search to it. Totally inspiring, that sharp and fearless demon hunter! Best! T
Thank you, thank you, thank you Ramin for brightening up my day. In this brilliant satire you penned two take-aways that will stay with me for a long time.
The first was that indelible image of a Brooklyn barista. He must be a fashion icon because I’ve seen his ilk here, and far too often.
The second was your rapier-like lampooning of identity politics, summed up: “The only thing you should be asking regarding Lemuel Sherbockowicz is: why haven’t you apologised to him yet?”
We needed that piece to salve our sorrow at having lost two beacons of sanity and truth this week: Stephen Cohen and Andre Vitchek. That you managed this with a skillfully crafted “totally unserious piece” is to your great credit.
Nice satire, Ramin! Add this to your list of many writing talents. The upcoming election farce between these two idiots is simply beyond the pale. I’ve finally exhausted my outrage reservoir and don’t have any energy left to replenish it again.
Think I’ll watch the “debate” / pie fight tonight – or as much as I can stand of it, anyway – purely for the entertainment value. I don’t drink anymore, so no comfort from that, but alcohol would just numb the effect anyway, and I want to be fully conscious in order to absorb the full schlock value of it all. Idiocracy, indeed!
Ramin, I hope you’ll consider another similar piece on that.
Good god, what a shit show! Trump might have actually won the thing judged on substance alone, but his foul mouth was his own worst enemy. Biden was obviously feeble-minded and intimidated by Trump’s belligerence, but when he regurgitated his Dem talking points he sounded like he didn’t even believe his own bullshit. He’s obviously utterly incompetent. And there you have it. Our “choice” comes down to a lying, belligerent, narcissist, sociopath, faux-populist bully or a senile, broken down, openly corrupt, shell of a former party hack who is obviously going to be no more than a front man for a hidden nefarious globalist agenda. Same as it ever was. No thank you. The only ballot anyone of conscience could possibly cast in this farce of an election is one of No Confidence in the entire process, and indeed, the entire Washington D.C. shit show.
With the company that Trump keeps, and with those that know, and are even related to Trump and have been hurt by him, of course there are leaks, now including his own lawyers and relatives. People generally object to being bullied, ripped off, abused, and having their rights violated. It is just a general rule of thumb.
I don’t understand how you, as an Iranian, can be pro-Trump, Ramin. Have you been back here lately? Do you not know what the Trump presidency has done to Iran?
I will tell you. My wife ordered a couch a month ago. One million toman deposit, one million on delivery, delivery within a week. It has now been over 30 days, the guy says the foam that they stuff the couches with has to come from Tehran, and Tehran will not sell, because the dollar is going up daily, they are hoarding it to sell it at dollar value whenever the dollar value stabilizes. That was last week.
This week the guy has closed shop, because, well, come on, how can anyone do business in this atmosphere? Another shop says they will make the same couch for seven million tomans, delivery in 20 days.
Let me clarify, a couch that cost 2 dollars last month, costs 7 now, and that is if the guy even delivers.
All of this is courtesy of Trump pulling out of the nuclear deal.
Why do you support Trump, Ramin? What’s the catch? Do you believe that the US would have pulled out of the jcpoa regardless of who became President after Obama? If so, I ask again, what difference does it make who is in the white house? And what difference does it make to you?
How???
I got one hypothesis for you and Tommy.
Look at the ENTIRE lay of the land of the entire world rather than just one country…..or couch in your case,,,,or “pet” petty pundy peeve in tommy’s case.
(Apparently my first longshot attempt to get his fundy fixation….-which he is a direct reflection of…..gang-counter gang style……may be “too upsetting”…..to make it to this thread….).
Like Harley does this morning:
https://youtu.be/EgeORn4_IZE
the notes for the 13 minute segment:
Deteriorating Strategic Situation Directly Related to Ongoing Coup Against Trump
“Is the shooting war between Azerbaijan and Armenia a developing proxy war between NATO and Russia? What of the provocations by the west over the election in Belarus? What do these have in common? Today, we look at the role of Chatham House/Royal Institute of International Affairs in pushing these crises, in the tradition of the British Empire’s 19th century “Great Game” and Mackinder’s geopolitics—not surprisingly, those same City of London networks continue to push for the removal of President Trump, fearing what might occur were he to hold a summit with Presidents Putin and Xi before the November 3 election.”
Strategic CONTEXT, guys. Ramin has more than most, by a long shot. That’s why “The rank and file are a big, big, BIG problem.”
And generally no match for the Chatham House Managers of Empire.
And my own 2 cents, from the Cafe that just opened, on the Hapless, American Rank and File:
/moveable-feast-cafe-2020-09-30/#comment-857281
Ciao!
What are you trying to say? That Trump has been good in some way globally?
It is not a couch. It is everything. Trump has done to the Iranian economy what all previous US presidents put together had not been able to do.
I believe it is reasonable to be curious why Ramin writes articles in support of the guy who not only destroyed Iran’s economy, but under whose watch the whole world economy was destroyed.
Salaam Jamshyd,
I visit Iran regularly, so I know just what you are talking about.
We all knew in 2016 Trump would be terrible for Iran, Cuba and Palestine, and he has been.
However, I am not a one-issue voter, no matter what the issue. The US affects the whole world, so an internationalist view is especially necessary.
Check out my latest article – I don’t see Trump as being so very different from previous US policy on Iran, and I don’t think Biden will be different either.
So, you believe that the nuclear deal was just a way for the West to gain entry into Iran, scope the place out, figure out how the money flows, and then pull out of the deal and apply sanctions based on what they’d figured out? And who became President after Obama was simply irrelevant as far as the deal with Iran was concerned?
I am still curious why you are in favor of a Trump re-election.
To vote for Joe would be paramount to more abuse on an ederly individual in cognitive decline while a vote for Donald would be abuse on someone a intellectually OK yet disadvantaged by being a narcissist.. Both are unusual yet this is being sum total of what the US can offer as leadership is a sad comment on an empire in decline. Some satire on the latest installement. https://youtu.be/Yhmrq623bEU
Dear Ramin, lovely article. I’m in shock to learn of Andre’s death. My husband and I had the great pleasure of meeting him a few years ago, and have been following his work since then, and concerned very much about his health. He was very driven in his work, constantly travelling, and would not slow down for any reason. He wrote in an article a couple weeks ago that he’d had a terrible time in Chile, locked down and unable even to go outside to an adjacent park. When he finally got out, he had to use a cane to walk. It sounded like he was feeling much better in Spain.
Thank you very much for honoring him here.