A warning from Scott: Prior to writing for thesaker, I collected antiques and art. Since I started writing, I gave up my family, my job, my business, sleeping, showering, and other bad habits. Hell, I even stopped shaving my beard. Being a compulsive collector, now I only collect Russian jokes and anecdotes. First, they are free. Second, they are more effective than booze and drugs combined.
You have been warned.
1. A Short History of the Dutch MH17 report
Here the Dutch have released a report on Boeing. Only a year and a half had passed, and here they were already with the report. They even built a mock-up of the Boeing, life-size, which, apparently, took up the bulk of their time.
Initially, the Ukrainian half of the Dutch investigation team insisted on just planting in the dummy Boeing the following items: a Russian hand grenade f1, a helmet with emblem of the DPR (Donetsk People’s Republic), a balalaika and a portrait of Putin, after which the entire press conference could sing together “It’s not dead yet..” (the national anthem of Ukraine) and go back home. But experts said “no” to this. Even the Swedes wouldn’t believe it.
To get the Swedes involved anyway, somebody thought out a plan to announce that the plane was shot down by a ballistic missile R-29RMU / RSM-54 Sineva “Blue” launched by a Russian nuclear submarine in the territorial waters of Sweden. But the experts opened up Google, found a photo of the device, assessed its size and performance characteristics, whistled, crossed themselves twice, and said, “No f..k. This dream just might come true!”
At this moment, thankfully, the phone rang and people from “Almaz-Antey” said that since the Dutch experts for mysterious reasons were unable to come to Russia for over a year, “Almaz-Antey” was ready to demonstrate the work of the warhead missiles 9М38 directly during the presentation of the report,. People from “Almaz-Antey” just called to make sure that the presentation of the report will be held at: Amsterdam, 52.3733482 North latitude and 4.8988619 East longitude. They also recommended to have a supply of helmets, body armor and to wait for the Russians in good spirit!
Despite of their natural Nordic velocity, the Dutch immediately realized that they couldn’t put it off any longer and issued a report, from which it became clear that someone, somewhere, maybe, had launched a rocket, allegedly made maybe in Russia, and that the Ukraine definitely should not allow flights in that area!
The European law firms immediately reached for the references on the subject of Ukraine’s liability, and other money making torts to bring the lawsuits onto Ukraine.
The President of Ukraine, having been surprised by the Papist and Jesuit resourcefulness of these tulip breeders, immediately got into a fighter jet su-27, to project on them the power of the Ukraine’s Luftwaffe. But the jet couldn’t take off due to the lack of fuel that have already been sold by dodgy Benya Kolomoysky to himself through a complex chain of intermediaries.
“I will not surrender without a fight,” said Poroshenko, and he fought with a bottle of Crimean Portwine till the last drop.
2. The Islamic state has presented to the military attaché of Russia a Note of Protest with the demands to stop aggression against the young sovereign state.
– The meeting was held in a very warm atmosphere! – briefly commented on the meeting the officer, getting out of the TOS-1A “Sunheat”.
3. Last time someone lived on this planet for a year without a war was in 2925 BC.
4. Former Ukraine’s Minister of Justice and an active head of the death squad “Azov” Roman Zvarych got in an accident on the highway Kyiv–Chop. As it was reported by the TV channel “112 Ukraine”: “His car collided with a truck.”
But, according to the press service of “Azov,” the accident happened because several cars and trees tried to run Zvarich’s vehicle off the road. Those several cars fled the scene after the collision. Zvarich’s car caught fire, and a truck got flipped over. He walked away from this fiery crash unscathed. Because of the guardian angel of drunken Nazis.
5. The German MSM report an alarming increase in the number of attacks on refugees. Two third of the attacks were conducted by people without any previous criminal records. For God’s sake! Give the people of Germany some more criminal records, so they would be better equipped in handling this refugee crises.
6. The Defense Ministers of Russia and Israel plan to hold the joint training of the Russian Federation and the Israeli air forces.
The training program includes:
1. Emergency landing of Israeli aircrafts on bases and airfields in an event they see the aircrafts of the Russian federation on the horizon.
2. Immediate ejection of the pilots of the Israeli F-15 in the event of failure of the system identification “friend or foe” when flying within range of the S-300F Fort sea basing.
3. A short course of the Russian language by memorizing phrases: “Don’t shoot! We are not terrorists. We are the pilots of the Israeli air force!” and “What are you guys doing? My woman is from Saratov!,” in case of successful ejection in the area of deployment of Russian military bases.
The United States military resolutely refused from concerting with this program stating: “Not to worry. American women will give birth to many more American pilots!”
“Glory to America!”
6. Meanwhile, Ramzan Kadyrow and a freed sailor from the oil tanker “Mechanic Chebotarev” were taking a stroll through the beautiful hotel “Grozny-City.” After Ramzan Achmatowicz thanked his very important guests, Libyan prime Minister and a minister of Defense of Libya, for their assistance in liberating the crew of the Russian ship kidnapped arrested by the Libyan authorities on September 17th, 2015. As always, Kadyrow was cracking jokes in his most nonchalant manner.
His foreign guests, however, looked tense. Maybe they were jetlagged. Anything can happen if you went to bed in your native Libya, and woke up in the “Grozny-City” hotel to the loud beat of a song “Why have you became so daring?” and you don’t understand a thing.
Then your mobile phone rings, and your Libyan relatives in a whisper report to you that your house was taken over by some armed people that don’t look local. They don’t let anyone in, and, by the way, your loyal guards fled.
To sum it up, it’s all a matter of high politics. For us the most important – to get our guys back home.
7. Questions for Armenian Radio:
Q. Why are anecdotes about Poroshenko so funny, and anecdotes about Putin so dull?
A: Because the anecdotes about Putin are being translated from English.
8. I sat down to read a Ukrainian history textbook and ended up crying uncontrollably: “You will pay for all those dinosaurs, damn Moskals!”
9. After many false starts, Ukraine finally opened its first phone-sex service in the Ukrainian language with a mixed success. Zrada (treason): The first client died from laughter. Peremoga (victory) It was a Moskal.
10. For thirty-two minutes slowly turning in the air, flew the grenade thrown by a member of the Estonian riot police in the framework of the training program for Ukrainian servicemen. Another five minutes took the grenade to blow up glacially.
Meanwhile. the members of the armed forces of Ukraine managed to steal the Estonian Hummer, to take it to a nearby village, and to exchange it for horilka and salo (pickled lard), to sit down, finish everything up and go to sleep, side by side in the trenches.
The next morning, Estonians were ashamed, Ukrainians nursed painful hangovers, but in comparison with a Danish lion autopsy in front of the kindergarteners, it all was child’s play.
11. Next elections in Ukraine the voters will cast candidates instead of ballots.
12. – I watched yesterday “Planet of Apes: Revolution“.
– How did you like it?
– Nothing spectacular. Just a tuned down compilation of the nightly Ukrainian news.
13. – I need more antidepressants.
– Do you have a prescription?
– What? A Ukrainian passport is not enough?
14. A banderivets (a Bandera follower) comes home from Maidan He sees a working electric bulb at the entrance to his apartment building. He had forgotten the last time he saw a working electric bulb. A terrible feeling of an impending doom comes upon him.
An elevator was out of order since he was a teenager and Ukraine gained independence. He pressed the button and the elevator door opened.
“Something is wrong.” a banderivets thinks. “It’s a trap. This is not going to end well.”
He walks inside of his apartment and sees his wife cooking something on a gas stove. Electrics and gas are working!. The banderivits panics. He rushes to the bathroom and turns on the water faucets. His worst feelings confirmed, cold and hot water are both running.
The banderivets’ short skinny legs give up and he slides down the bathroom wall, whispering, ” That’s it. I knew that. We are occupied by the Moskals.”
15. The Ukraine national poll revealed that 50% of Ukrainians would kill Poroshenko with pleasure; 30% of Ukrainians would kill Poroshenko without pleasure, and 20% weren’t sure what feeling they would get when they kill Poroshenko.
16. In January 2014, the new Kiev authorities issued an official statement that the Russian Black Sea Fleet should not be located on the territory of Ukraine any longer.
The Russian authorities promised that after March 16th, 2014 the Black Sea Fleet won’t be located on the Ukrainian territory.
16. If Ukraine is not dead yet, why it stinks?
17. I was drinking with a bunch of Russians last night. The whole night they were telling anecdotes about Russia and laughed. The whole night they were telling me that Russia is a country of bad roads and fools. After I finally agreed with them in the morning, they kicked my ass.
18. Ukrainian scientists have proved that the only person in the world, who is not a Putin’s agent is Putin himself.
19. In 90s Russia asked for food from the US. In 2015 Russia destroys food from the US. It’s all you have to know about the Yeltsin’s “democracy,” and Putin’s “regime.”
20. – Tell me, please, is it true that in Russia people walk bears on the streets?
– No, that’s not true. Those are not bears, they are the Russian hamsters.
21. April 5th, 1242, the Battle on the Ice of Lake Chudskoye (Peipus). Russia refused to become a part of the EU.
22. It’s easy to become a Kremlin’s Agent. You just have to start speaking the truth.
23. Putin – the new measurement unit of politicians.
24. Stop this hysteria, Putin has never sent the Russian troops to Crimea. Russian troops to Crimea were sent by Alexander Suvorov in 1778, and they have never left since then.
25. If you need something to be done, ask the Chinese.
If you need something impossible to be done, ask the Russians.
26. Ramzan Kadyrow to Putin: “If you want, I will kill all your noisy neighbors.”
27. In 2000, a young man Mikhail Tolstyh was rejected from the military contract services because he had a speech impediment. 14 years later he became Givi and proved that the military is not about talking.
28. Marina Solovieva: Imagine if you were given a choice between saving two million people from the devastation of war and death, and French cheese, and you would choose cheese. It’s all you have to know about the liberals in Russia.
29. Philip Maslovski:
The Russians: Let’s all live in peace.
The US General: We should kill all the Russians;
Czech MP: The Russians should be burned;
The Western MSM: The Russians spread hatred.
30. Ukraine is the only country in the world that has a cult of personality of the president of a foreign country.
31. If you feel that your parents own you something, you are a teenager. If you feel that Russia owns you something, you are an opposition. If you feel that the whole world owns you something, you are a Ukrainian.
32. A Ukrainian writer and poet Oles Buzina, killed by the Kiev Junta’s secret police, knew how to troll:
Q. What do you think about Novorossia. Is this a Kremlin’ project?
A. No. Novorossia has been a project of the Catherine the Great and Prince Potemkin.
33. “The whole world owns it to Ukraine” says Ukraine.
34. Short history of Ukraine – 2014. Idiots toppled their government, and elected morons, who took huge credits, which idiots will have to pay back. And it’s all Russia’s fault.
35. After massive forests fires around Chernobyl in 2015, the Ukrainians measured level of radiation in Kiev and declared themselves a nuclear state.
36. Ukrainians to Russians: We will never be brothers.
Russians to Ukrainians: OK, fine, we got it.
Ukrainians to Russians: Now, you have to restructure our debt to you.
Russians: No.
Ukrainians: Damn Moskals. And you call yourselves our brothers!
37. Casino “Europe”: Greece meets Ukraine at the entrance.
– Where are you going?
– To “Europe” I want to gamble.
– I have already done gambling.
– How was it?
– Don’t you see? I lost everything, but my panties.
– Wow. I always wanted to wear this kind of panties.
38. Ukraine announced about creation of dry-land fleet. Next, they will start building an underground aviation.
39. I don’t understand why the Ukrainian patriotism are being violated by the Russian food, media, books, monuments, TV channels. But when it comes to the Russian gas, their patriotic sentiments are being violated only by its price?
40. Poroshenko said, that the unique quality of the Ukrainian nation is that after each color revolution life in Ukraine becoming worse and worse, but that doesn’t stop the Ukrainians.
41. Name two “states,” where they destroy monuments, execute captured civilians and soldiers, and still get aid from the US. (Ukraine, ISIS)
42. Do you know why the Ukrainians rushed to destroy all the monuments to Lenin? Because they were told by the US that under one of the statute there was a vortex, a visa free entrance to Europe.
43. An opposition representative in Belarus said that he has not voted for 20 years. On October 11, 2015 he went and voted for Lukashenko, because he has seen the results of Euro-integration of Ukraine.
44. Ukraine asks Russia to give 2bln USD to continue the war with the neighboring country.
45. Meanwhile in Israel:
– What’s going on in the Ukraine?
– The Ukraine is in war with Russia.
– No f..k! How is it going?
– Well, the Ukraine lost two million civilians, Crimean peninsula, several fighter jets, helicopters, thousands of military, hundreds of tanks, and artillery, and two provinces of about 7.5 million people are ready to re-unite with Russia.
– What about the Russians?
– You wouldn’t believe this, Bennie, but they never showed up for this war.
46. Rabbi from Mukachevo died and went to see his Creator.
– Where were you born? – asks God.
– In Astro-Hungary, said Rabbi.
– Where did you go to heder (school)?
– In Czechoslovakia.
– Where did you get married?
– In Hungary.
– Where your first child was born?
– In the Third Reich
– Where were your grandkids born?
– In the USSR.
– And, where did you die?
– In Ukraine.
– My good Rabbi, – said God – You traveled a lot during your lifetime.
– Not at all, Rabbi responded. I never left my town.
47. Several OSCE cars were burned down in Donetsk on August 9th, 2015. Whose fault was it?
Nicolai Starikov said that since Donetsk people bombed themselves, it means that the OSCE cars were burned by OSCE itself.
48. Burning down vehicles of the OSCE was a terrible crime against blind and deaf people.
49. “Who cometh to us with a sward… I swear to God, he is an idiot.” Attributed to Lavrov.
50. Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery: Rule 1, on page 1 of the book of war, is: “Do not march on Moscow”.
51. In fall 1938 Hitler grabbed a part of the territory of Czechoslovakia. In fall of 1938 Poland grabbed a part of territory of Czechoslovakia. Hitler was called an aggressor, but what was Poland?
52. Nikolay Starikov: “Today October 9, 2015 is 255 anniversary of the Russian troops taking Berlin for the first time. In 1813 we took Berlin for the second time. In 1945 we took Berlin in the third time. Europe, enough already with wars on us.”
53. In Russia liberal grant-eaters scream that in Syria Russia bombs the innocent US money.
54. Sergey Shoygu to Putin: “Somebody from ISIS called and asked what kind of religion is the faith in Putin, and how one can convert into it.”
55. Breaking news: Senior US official tell that the Russian officials demand the US warplanes exit Syria immediately.
56. “I don’t understand Russia. Do you even understand what you’re doing? How could you bomb weapon depots in Syria, when all these weapon could be given to the poor refugees in Europe?”
57. “Our task is to destroy terrorists faster than they are being trained by the US.” V. Putin
That’s a lot of jokes Scott.. who will be ‘modifying’ the trolls on this thread, and how, I mean true and trusted trolling will be simply defended by “Aw come on, It was only a joke . . ”
Not long ago, trolls were Scandinavian supernatural beings, gifted with trolyte solutions for trolleys of the future, trolling was an internal affair only for the jolliest trolliests present, and eyes wide open why did you delete that past comment? (– You wouldn’t believe this, Scott, but they never showed up for this war)
31. If you feel that your parents own you something, you are a teenager. If you feel that Russia owns you something, you are an opposition. If you feel that the whole world owns you something, you are a Ukrainian.
If you feel that you own the whole world, you are American
Scott:
They are all hilarious.
But # 57 is special.
Little context
#26 mocks – and quotes – a once super-popular pop song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKM5V2ipGd4
#16 mocks old “punk’s not dead” motto
#1 in the last line – “I will not surrender without a fight,” said Poroshenko – mocks a once popular Ukrainian song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbkEVJgrBUs
No, it mocks the Ukrainian anthem/hymn “Ще не вмерла Україна”, “Ukraine has not yet died”.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukrainian_anthem
Which they ripped off from the Poles, Slovaks, and a bunch of others they consider “nebo”.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poland_Is_Not_Yet_Lost
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey,_Slavs
Great humour Scott!
I particularly enjoyed #15 lol.
I noticed you doubled on #16
thanks!
#36 – first line quotes the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qv97YeC563Y
#37 the punchline refers to the “i want lacy panties” girl – http://www.mk.ru/social/2015/03/29/khochu-kruzhevnye-trusiki-i-v-es-ishhu-rabotu-v-rossii.html
—-
Russian liberal opposition picked up some wild rumor of Alina Kabaeva being Putin’s mistress and forced it into the meme. That gave the basis for another word-play joke, exploiting “gangsters and their lasses” stereotypes.
…one night in a very noisy club Kabaeva murmurs to drunk Putin: “Volodya! My silky tender skin needs a cream!!!”. Next day Crimea declared the referendum.
// there was another joke about assasination of Sshko “Beliy” Muzichko – but it is hard to convey to English
Scott: You rock!
Since we are talking about jokes.. How about the joke about yats going to file a law suit against Russia for not giving him free money? basically writing off ukranian debt owed to Russia and the USSR…
Or filing a complaint at the WTO for Russia not buying ukranian railway equipment.. Revenues dropped from 1.5 bil to 41 mil now.. They want Russia to pay them for the cars produced since they cant sell it to anyone else.
Russians are so weird:
“The Russians: Let’s all live in peace.
The US General: We should kill all the Russians;
Czech MP: The Russians should be burned;
The Western MSM: The Russians spread hatred.”
—
and then there’s an article in Sputnik about what Obama says.
First they report the news and think it’s a joke and then they report a joke and think it’s news.
Ever since you declared our wonderful, saintly Pope Francis a devil I don’t know whether to kick your ass or kiss it. There must be another option like exposing your assets.
Now you come up with the Papists and Jesuits infiltrating the respectable Dutch and their fine report on M17. Have you no decency or sense of truth?
If you say one nasty word about our beloved Uniate Patriarch in Ukraine, that will be the last straw and even Mother Mary will not be able to get you into heaven through the backdoor.
Believe you me, if you are a Scot, Scott, you will not get off scot-free.
You should know, too, and I’m the only who will level with you that the Saker lets you loose because of his devotion to freedom of speech.
This is not a threat but don’t forget that the Vatican is a state just like Washington and London.
Also don’t forget that our esteemed Pope Benedict voluntarily resigned, even though our enemies call him the anti-Pope. He may yet return.
And also don’t conveniently forget that the Vatican has opened its books to US auditors.
People like you, Scott, and I’m the only one here that will say this, think you are funny. George Carlin is funny. You are not George Carlin. Can you guess the conclusion by scholastic syllogism?
Two can rant, you know. Let’s leave the Saker out of this please.
I used to be a Roman Catholic priest and a Franciscan monk. Note that Pope Francis (peace be upon him) took the name Francis, and he himself is a Jesuit. This is not equivocation, much less Jesuit equivocation.
So you can see why I am upset with your raging; I will not call it ranting anymore. I could have been Pope if I stayed in, and I could have taken the name Francis.
Don’t you know that Pope Francis is loved by the whole world except you. You’re the kind that think a Jesuit wrote the Protocols of Zion and made old man Rothschild rich. A conspiracy theory if there ever was one.
Basically, my friend Scott, I love you and am trying to save your soul from the fires of hell. If I was still a priest I could absolve you in the confessional if you would repent.
To conclude, I am very sad at such goings-on and deeply regret laughing throughout your raging. I must confess that sin (venial, not mortal) on bended knees and ask forgiveness of this community for exposing my own assets in this sacred vineyard.
Peace be upon you, Brother Scott, or to hell with you.
I wish Scott would talk about Shriners. There are the Shriners who wear the funny little hats with the tassels and drive the funny little cars, and then there are the Shriners who run ISIS and pull the strings of certain Muslim secret societies to advance their geopolitical goals.
Shriners are Masons
My dearest Dennis,
The collection of Russian jokes, is actually my translations of the Russian jokes.
I don’t claim any authorship on any of this.
I can show you the original in Russian, if you want to bother to see it.
So, let’s say that your fiery Catholic wrath is to be addressed to the Russian people en masse.
Even so, I didn’t call the sitting Pope a “devile,” please accept my apology for any of such innuendos.
I am sure if he possessed any supernatural ability he would cure himself from a brain cancer.
Maybe he might even stop pretending to cure hordes of hysterical people by laying his hands on them.
He isn’t, probably, a satan, but Jesus he is most definitely not.
“At sunset, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them.”
My apologies, Scott. I was attempting to be satirical. I completely missed the question of authorship. The joke was on me. I didn’t mean to show disrespect to the Russian people. I think highly of them.
I don’t know where I got the idea that you said the Pope was the devil. Makes me doubt my sanity and shows my immaturity. I am a self-diagnosed manic-depressive narcissist with schizophrenic and paranoid tendencies. Maybe that’s truer than I think.
The upshot of this sorry episode is the high level of tolerance the vineyard has for fools like me. For that I am grateful.
Your final quote applies to my own need for healing. Thanks.
ego te absolvo, Dennis, whatever that entails…
Im not a Catholic, but admire the humility this man tries to live by and model of helping eachother irredpective of faith or whatever: as a servant of all mankind, perhaps. Yes, façades are just that, but what if its not? Occams razor is a principle which might very well apply, and one must understand his limitations, as ruler and spiritual leader. Same can be said of any and all religious figured, the historical (not canonical) Yeshua included.
the Pope is a Jesuit..look up Jesuits on the web…they have many enemies. they don’t hide their philosophy…they want it all for the vatican..they are the vatican…they were outlawed in all of Europe for their practices in poisoning sovereigns and more….
The pope sings with his mouth and kills with his money. Vatican money is in every horrible corporate enterprise world wide…the Jesuits own the Bank of America….according to a World Bank whistleblower….
Bravo, Scott.
Hi from Russia.
Dennie me bhoy, please lighten up! Scott isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I hope.
I was particularly fond of #45.
Thank you for several good chuckles. Ive actually read on Russian anecdotes back in the day in a very funny book (Susiluoto was the author i think), but these are obviously newer and thats exactly the best part about the humour of the east…biting commentary via irony and satire (although some jokes suffered a little being translated as always).
In the interest of cultural humour sharing, that is still applicable if set into a Novorussian-Ukrainian conflict setting, comes from 1939 from Finland:
“So many Russians (Ukrop nazis)…where shall we bury them all?”
:)
Mac
the joke is best underscored with liberal gifts to the butts of the joke, of another handy Finnish winter-war invention: the Molotov coctail
45 & 46 are brilliant!
Don’t quit your day job… Oh, wait…you already did. Never mind. :-)
Seriously, some of them were funny. Others were on a par with Dennis Miller’s obscure references… :-)
For your collection Scott, taken straight from Dimitry Orlov blog site (he’s an expat Russian)
During the bad times of food shortages, a man goes into a food store to the meat department, and sees empty shelves. He looks at the stony faced assistant and says. “well, do you have any fish?” The assistant says “No, this is a meat counter. Here is where we dont have any meat. Over there is the Fish counter. Thats where they don’t have any fish”.
Never can get to the final line without giggling. I too, love their self deprecating humour noir.
Oh and – what’s an exchange of opinion?? Thats where you go into the bosses office with your opinion and come out with his.
Loved #46! How true!
Scott
Thanks. Tempted to show these to an ex-Ukrainian aqaintence who has a sense of humor, and who calls me Jerry(as in Garcia), but probably will resist that temptation – for now. ;D
Scott, these jokes are adorable…but one question…#49…is that word supposed to be sword or sward ?
vot tak: It depends. Is this person a “Ukrainian,” or “from Ukraine”? I know one antiques dealer who calls himself “a Jew from Crimea.” He says that, “Putin is doing everything right” and has a Berkut insignia on his jacket.
Ann: #46 It should be “sword” That’s what I get for publishing without an editor.
Isabella: Thank you for these jokes. The first one is from the 90s. I added them to my collection.
Richard Steven Hack: As you can see this is a collection of political and military jokes.
I had a girl friend in high school who used to say, “There are two kind of jokes: sex jokes and not funny.”
What you call “obscure references” are just commonly known facts when it comes to Russia.
Take, for example, #1 – “Amsterdam, 52.3733482 North latitude and 4.8988619 East longitude” Everyone in Russia understands that these are true missile’s target’s coordinates position for the Dutch Safety Board . And that makes it so freaking funny, albeit not sexual.
Next time, I will publish more jokes that hopefully you will find easier to understand.
Many thanks to everyone for commenting.
A nice way to start my weekend, thanks Scott!
I suggest you already start collecting the next batch. With the world going to hell, we’re going to need all the comic relief we can get.
OK here is a real Russian joke, that really happened.
I arrived at my hostel in Moscow, it was my very first time in Russia, and I had gotten off the taxi from Sheremetovo Airport. It was May 7th, just a couple of days before Victory Day.
I arrived at the front desk. A pretty young Russian woman asked for my passport at check in. She asked, “So you are an American?”
I said, “Yes”.
She replied, “So, did you bring a gun with you to protect yourself from us monster Russians?”.
I loved it.
Scott Rocks!!!
I do not feel word rant as appropriate, so here is mine tirade.
Quality joke (vic) are powerful expression of somebody`s opinion about certain situation-person.
You can not add or subb anything (like aphorism, haiku …)
With it`s myriad of higher harmonics and inner music one can only percept, reject or accept, but it always stays at the corner of one`s mind.
The best are strong, dirty, odd, annoying, aimed, but powerful and calm-ative. Rocks kings and ruralities.
Do not fit with serious political,war, social … etc expressions, but efficiently replaces pages and pages of writings (words).
The only defense of an ordinary man (like a rose with 2 small thorns)
When it first appears, it is a joke, but after years of quoting in various situations, changing times, places and players, it is naked to essence and become people’s joke or “vic”.
Here are three collected, which targets Mekein’s bravery, intelligence and diplomatic skills:
————
Mekein recalls his war times, with his nephew Lilljoeb.
Mekein:
–Well son, therwer difficult times back then in Nam. Charlie was cruel. If they catch you, only two
destinies await you. Squad fired or squad f….
Lilljoeb (as cruel as children can be):
–Grmpaaa … grmpaaa… What they did to you?
Mkein (mouth-halved, short-dot):
… vbeen shot.
————-
(tribute to BiHumor)
President Obama goes to zoo, and spot Mekein playing chess with bear, in a cage:
Obama: … whattaaa smart bear!!
Mkein: SMART, MY D…, I LEAD HIM 9:8 !!!
————-
(old one, about USA and USSR)
US and Russia (hypothetically) agreed on disarmament.
After few years, spyish lill Angelinda sends report:
–Not a sign of rockets. Only old traktors and kombajns in the fields.
Mekein immediatelly rushes into Obama’s ovall room, and start banging on the table:
–Dumb Ruskies, wevbeen outpokered them. Now is the chance. Let them feel our medicine.
Obama, stoned with loudness and uglines of Mekein`s roaring mouth, chin-downed.
Immediately hidden bombers flew-up on a mission over Russian skies.
But old traktors and kombajns flip-floped into something else … soooo … mission failed.
Next day, “dictator” Gadaffi is calling RussPrezident, to congratulate his home slava:
–Merry St. Nikolai … all the best to you and family … theemm … uuummm … by the way, about
those old traktors … any for sale?
LMAO some very twisted but true logic and truth here with others just the truth can seem funny on its own when you consider the opposite.
I have heard that Russians and Americans are two of the most comedic peoples in the world
hereis some western military humour
http://www.doyletics.com/tidbits/militaryadvice.pdf
cheers….Brad
very good link brad
In 1920 Poland fought for it’s survival and miraculously won the famous battle by Warsaw with powerful Russian Red Army. During that time Czech soldiers invaded Zaolzie, predominately Polish region with some Slovaks, defended by few Polish soldiers (50+) who surrender after very short battle. Then, all of them were brutally killed, mutilated with bayonets. (Czech agreed before, after short negotiation, that that region should belong to Poland).
In 1939 my father, hearing about Poland taking Zaolzie back was furious. I fill now ashamed by it. What you think about the whole thing?
Scott, here is a question for you:
Q: Why are there no coups and color revolutions in Washington?
A: Because there is no American embassy there.