Compiled by “Tatzhit” Mihailovich
Here are some examples, organized into several categories, with appropriate footnotes being given either next to joke/picture, or in the end of the post (*Russophobes can skip to the last section – on Putin and Russia – and spare me the inane cries of “This joke is exaggerated”).Feel free to share your own finds, as well!
——————————————————I) DOUBLE STANDARDS
[Refers to liberation of Bulgaria from Turkish yoke circa 1887]1. – Defendant Ivanov, what was your motivation for attacking your neighbor and taking his money?
– Your honor, but don’t Americans do the same?!
[excuse given for every Russian government action ever]2. Currently Saudi Arabia is bombing Yemeni rebels, which have taken power after a parliamentary struggle turned violent. Formally, the bombing campaign is carried out at the request of the former president Abd Rabbuh Mansur Hadi.
Yanukovich from Rostov asks – “Wait, UN, I coulda done that too?”
3. USA ambassador to Ukraine had a private meeting with Dnepropetrovsk governor, which caused the latter to give in to Poroshenko’s demands and resign. Somehow this isn’t as surprising as, say, Ukrainian ambassador ordering the governor of Texas to resign.
4. In a couple decades, media will get to a level where US President would be able to eat children live on CNN and that would still be “for democracy and human rights”.
5. Americans love their country and hate those that don’t agree with them.
Russians don’t like their country and hate those that agree with them.
6. USA: “To promote democracy and human rights, we will commit any and all violations of democracy and human rights deemed necessary”.
7. [Joke from the times of Maidan Revolution]
Ambassadors of USA, France, Spain, Germany, Denmark; US Assistant Secretary of State Nuland, two US senators – McCain and Chris Murphy, German foreign minister Westerwelle, EU High Representative of the Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy Catherine Ashton, fugitive Georgian president Saakashvili, Dutch foreign minister Frans Timmermans, EU parliament representatives, Lithuianian foreign minister Linas Linkevicius, Lithuanian parliament speaker Loreta Graužinienė, former Polish PM Jarosław Kaczyński, US Vice President Joe Biden, CIA Director John Brennan, etc. etc., all came to the Maidan protesters’ camp in the center of Ukrainian capital to accuse Putin in Moscow of meddling in internal Ukrainian affairs!
8. If during the massacre in Paris the gunmen screamed “Glory to Ukraine” instead of “Allahu Akbar”, the incident would probably go unreported.
[The videotaped killings of unarmed protesters in Korsun’, Odessa, Kharkov, Mariupol, Krasnoarmeisk by nationalist paramilitaries saw little coverage in the West
1. When nationalist ATO veterans meet, [Instead of “How many tours you served?”, or “Which front were you at?”] they ask each other “Which encirclements you’ve been to?”
2. UAF General Staff has been renamed “Encirclement Supervisory Center”.
3. Government losses are often explained by inexperienced officers not understanding the real situation. This is obviously not true – after all, every time UAF troops are caught in an encirclement, it turns out the officers foresaw it and already fled .
[pic – see THIS on ten-fold underreporting of losses, and THIS on Klitchko Goldentongue]
5. Summary of Poroshenko’s speech on the outcome of Debaltsevo encirclement: “We have bravely advanced to the rear, and the demoralized enemy followed us in panic”.
[see second half of this]
6. Some journalists are interviewing a UAF soldier at a checkpoint. Soldier sits, tightly clutching a rifle to his chest:
Journalist – So what can you tell us?
Soldier – (silence)
Journalist – How are the living conditions?
Soldier – ….
Journalist – Okay, what is your mission?
Soldier – Wha..?
Journalist – What did the sergeant tell you when he put you here?
Soldier – “Don’t lose the f**king rifle, retard!”
[e.g. this video of plastered government conscripts trying to fire a mortar and very nearly killing themselves several times]
HISTORY / JOKES FROM BEFORE 2013
2004:
– Why do you hate Yushchenko?
– He’s controlled by America!
2009:
– Why do you hate America?
– They’re controlling Yushchenko!
*[Now, again, USA is seen as largely controlling Ukraine – half of the Cabinet are foreign colonial managers that had to be granted Ukrainian citizenship by order of president and US ambassador/Joe Biden/various CIA/US Army officials are constantly involved in “advising” the new government and resolving internal disputes.
A popular Russian saying is “We’re responsible for those we adopt” – and just like in 2009, populace isn’t looking too kindly upon the ruin new management brought them.]
2. Socialism vs Transition to Capitalism
Socialism: Give the hungry men fish
Transition to capitalism as it’s portrayed: Teach the hungry men to fish
Transition to capitalism as it is: Put the hungry men into 30 years of debt for teaching them to fish, while hiding the fact that they will never be able to afford the fishing licenses and access to the lake, both of which you now control
3. Sadly, everything Soviets told us about communism turned out to be a lie. Even worse, everything they said about capitalism turned out to be the truth!
4. On politics, corruption, and USA (also a 2005 joke after Maidan #1)
When flying a plane, you notice the pilot taking a swig of vodka from a flask. What does your reaction tell about you:
A. You do nothing. You will probably land safely, and you are a realist.
B. You find a sober pilot among the passengers and place him in charge. You are hugely increasing risks for everyone because sober plit also probably has much less experience with the specific plane, has to assume control mid-flight, etc. You are an idealist.
C. You put a the matter up to a vote, then put the most popular person in the cockpit. You will probably die a flaming death at the hands of a political science major, and you are a liberal.
D. You pick the first person wearing Stars-and-stripes pin and quell dissent with disproportionate armed force. Once the plane crashes, you repeat with another plane. You are a US State Department official.
UKRAINIAN NATIONALISTS
1. A Ukranian nationalist is going home from work and notices the streetlights are repaired and working… Decides to try the elevator – it WORKS! Goes into his house – the CENTRAL HEATING IS ON! The wife is cooking dinner on a GAS STOVE! Runs into the bathroom – there is WATER, both COLD AND HOT!
Shocked, he slides down the wall: “Oh my god, the Muskovite occupiers are back…”
2. A bunch of Ukrainian skinheads with baseball bats jump onto a bus and start strolling back to front, closely inspecting everyone. A black African student sinks into his seat, terrified.
Skinheads – Relax, dude. We can clearly see you’re not a Muskovite (Russian).
3. Two guys in leather jackets with shaved heads go into a home improvement store in Kiev.
Guys > We need thirty 2-foot pieces of rebar.
Clerk >> What are you gonna build with that?!
Guys> Ukraine without Muskovites !
4. Ukrainian political coverage could really benefit from a movie titled “50 Shades of Brown”. For those that want to understand the difference between, for example, Tyagnibok, Bileckiy, Lyashko and Yarosh.
*[“Brown” traditionally refers to colors of fascism and far-right, re: Hitlers Brownshirts.
“50 Shades of Brown” is, on one hand, a reference to the fact Ukraine’s political space is currently occupied by various flavors of right-wing nationalist parties, that are mostly divided by which oligarch they are representing, rather than any meaningful ideological divisions; there are no major left-wing or multicultural political movements.
On the other hand, “shades of brown” refers to different kinds of excrement, obviously.]
5. Nationalist paramilitary battalion from L’viv is suddenly mobilized at night, and loaded up into trucks. Captain explains the mission:
– We are to eliminate separatists terrorists and mercenaries. If you see a man in a mask or with a weapon – shoot him, then chop off the head and bag it. Each head – 5000 UAH.
Eventually the trucks stop and paramilitaries instantly disperse around the night city shouting “Glory to Ukraine!”. The captain tries to stop them screaming:
“Idiots, halt! That’s just a fuel stop in Kiev!!”
6. Nationalists, if all you wanted was to abolish education scholarships, ax state assistance for the disabled, mothers, and elderly, triple utility costs, increase taxes and the age of retirement, lower the value of national currency four-fold, destroy free healthcare and education systems – why didn’t you just ask Yanukovich to do all that, and avoid the bloodshed?!
UKRAINIAN POLITICS AND ECONOMY
1. Since the start of the conflict, Russia’s currency fell two-fold, while Ukrainian currency fell four-fold. Therefore, we can conclude that Western help and reforms do approximately twice the damage of Western sanctions.
2. Kiev. A guy is stuck in traffic, as usual. Suddenly there’s a knock on the window, some government official in a suit.
– What do you want? = You see, terrorists just took the Cabinet of Ministers hostage, and are threatening to douse them all in gasoline and light them on fire if we don’t give them a million dollars in the next hour. There is obviously no way to get it through legislature this quickly, so we decided to do a collection among the drivers here.
– So how much did others give already?
= So far, about twenty gallons and a dozen lighters.
[Follows abortive attempt by Poroshenko to wave around passports of “Russian soldiers” – he was apparently unaware that active-duty soldiers are required to turn in passports to the HQ, and use military IDs instead]4. A friend from Tbilisi called. Says he’s afraid to step out of the house. Georgians are being grabbed right off the street and sent to run Ukrainian government.
[Poroshenko’s government includes many Georgians from Saakashvili’s old team, as well as Saakashvili himself. He was, basically, another colonial manager installed in Georgia by an engineered coup (Rose revolution). Hilariously, Saakashvili and some of his men are already wanted in Georgia for corruption, torture, etc.]5. Nadezhda Savchenko, by simply sitting in her cell, has become Ukraine Congresswoman, EU Congresswoman, was awarded the title of Hero of Ukraine.
… So far, the best way to jumpstart a political career in Ukraine is to be jailed for war crimes.
6. Rada (Ukrainian Parliament) has officially declared that Russia is an aggressor. What does this mean? Before they would beg “Muskovites” for gas and coal discounts, and now they will beg “damned Muskovites”.
7. Poroshenko’s government has come up with a foolproof roadmap to democracy: simply exterminate every last non-democrat.
PUTIN/RUSSIA
1. (classic) A guy is going through an Ukrainian customs.
Officer> Nationality?
Guy>> Russian.
Officer> Occupation?
Guy>> No, just visiting :D
2. – Why is Russian government cutting retirement benefits?
– Because they’re freaking tired of having to share the oil revenues with some moochers who happen to be living in the country.
3. Putin complains to a doctor:
– Doc, for some reason I can’t do a #2 in the bathroom!
Doc inspects him:
– Oh wow, you don’t have a hole there!
Putin:
– All the damn *ss-kissers must’ve licked it shut!!!
4. It is rumored the Russian secret services have wiretapped Klitschko’s phones solely for the amusement value .
5. Nobody said struggle will be easy! They are fighting for their power to rob the country blind and embezzle uncontrollably! And it will not be easy to make Putin’s thieving bunch hand over this power to us!
© Opposition leader Kasparov
6. Tatar National Assembly demanded changes to the popular Russian folk saying “Uninvited guest is worse than a Tatar”, saying it is biased against their ethnicity. Therefore, yesterday the Russian Federation Duma voted to change the saying to “Uninvited guest is _better_ than a Tatar”.
7. A new teacher comes to class and says:Hello kids, I am your new teacher. My name is Zakhar Goldman, and I am a liberal. Now I want you to get up and introduce yourselves like I did just now.
Masha – My name is Masha and I’m a liberal.
Kirill – My name is Kirill and I’m a liberal.
Timur – My name is Timur and I’m a Stalinist.
Teacher – Timur, why are you a Stalinist?
Timur – Well, my dad is a Stalinist, my mom is a Stalinist, and most of my friends are Stalinists, so I am a Stalinist too.
Teacher – You can not just blindly follow your environment! If your dad was an alcoholic, your mom was a prostitute, and most of your friends were junkies, who would you be?
Timur – A liberal, probably.
(also works with Democrats and Republicans in US)
8. Russian dudes talking:
Russian #1 – Check this out – we are the hockey champions, our science is making breakthrough after breakthrough, our space program is in the lead again! What were you saying about Americans? We are #1!
Russian #2 = [sigh] Have you been watching old Soviet newsreels again?
9. Why does Putin have so many bodyguards?
– They are scared of being alone with him.
10. Putin congratulated his former colleagues with the Day of Intelligence Service Worker.
<4794 7234, – says his message , – 784792347324, 084465685, 64 9344, 023948044>.
Pics Saker pics. Cartoons, satire. After a lot of whiskies I am back from doing battle in the animal cage at the guardian.
I am back from doing battle in the animal cage at the guardian.
Why? You like being a masochist? You want to support that zionazi outfit with advert revenue from the page counts and other benefits your visitation give them?
Realise, the guardian views you as a money making and propaganda tool (which also makes the things more money, the scam is multilayered). Every time you visit that site, they make money off you. The money they make off your visits provides them the income to do more zionazi propaganda and sell mass murder more.
The guardian is exploiting you for their own benefit. You get absolutely zero in return. Worse, they are playing you and you are being exploited by the same zionazi/nazi establishment you probably would like to see off to hell.
Nothing you write there makes one shred of difference in the zionazi machine. They will carry on their zionazism regardless. Beyond that, any one who does actually post something the guardian feels might actually threaten their zionazi narrative simply sees the comment disappear and the comment writer become persona non grata.
There is really only one non-violent way to deal with the zio-media. That is to not use them. Starve them of sucker income. Without their advert income, they go bankrupt. Put the time and effort into supporting real alternative media. The reason the zio-media is so prevalent is because most people go to them by default. Make the alternate media the places to go to by default.
Very interesting perspective Bot Tak.
I look back on 493 posts on Yahoo (mainly in defence of Donbass) and wonder was I just feeding the machine.
Number “4” under “PUTIN/RUSSIA” is a riot! :-) :-) :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spYbovRhero
From Wikipedia:
“… Dementia pugilistica (DP) is a neurodegenerative disease with features of dementia that may affect amateur or professional boxers, wrestlers as well as athletes in other sports who suffer concussions. A variant of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) it is also called chronic boxer’s encephalopathy, traumatic boxer’s encephalopathy, boxer’s dementia, chronic traumatic brain injury associated with boxing (CTBI-B), and punch-drunk syndrome. CTE was previously called DP. Symptoms and signs of DP develop progressively over a long latent period sometimes amounting to decades, with the average time of onset being about 12 to 16 years after the start of a career in boxing. …”
Also from Wikipedia:
“… Vitaly Klitschko … Kickboxing and amateur Boxing career (1985-1996) … Boxing career (1996-2013) …”
Meaning … 11 + 17 = 28 years of boxing “career” (brain injuries)…
For those that have had too many whiskies to read (not me) try a rerun of this one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSOfQ7tgTLg
The first #7[Joke from the times of Maidan Revolution] says it all, ta.
I used to work with a guy named Ivan. He ‘looked’ very Russian, and so, the name really fit. One night on leaving after shift over I tried to get a rise out of him so I said, “dastvidanya dyadya Vanya” He looked at me blankly and said, “say what?” in a really thick North Carolina accent.
sorry, off topic, but this article might be interesting to the people who follow that missing airplane and the other one…
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/02/jeff-wise-mh370-theory.html
Could anybody add some more jokes of this kind?
All the links to pictures from liveleak have expired.
Please repost with working links to the pictures and vignettes.
From Comedy Central – Langley [VA] branch;
A1; “We found a cellphone with screaming people on it.”
A2; “From one of the planes that crashed on 9/11?”
A1; “No. A German plane that crashed into the Alps.”
A2; “Did you find a passport?”
A1; “No.”
A2; “Then it’s fake.”
Ty for the post, i want more Russian jokes! We need a whole satyre-section to relief after all bad news :) Here one german comedian (in my opinion the most brilliant) about Ukraine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5424TovDGA and USA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG0Ql0VfcRg Enjoy it.
@Luis
Thank you, the videos are truly amazing.
Doctor, sew the Crimea back on me!
– Hello doctor!
– Hello, who are you?
– The Ukraine
– What do you have? Show it!
– Here it is!
– Ah, Yes, this is not nice to see. Something did trigger it on you.
– I thought that it came on its own.
– And you are in pain for twenty years, now?
– Twenty-five.
– Some one cramed it to you.
– Doctor, look also there, the Donbass.
– Ah yes, I see, nasty business.
– Now I have a small war there.
– Yes, but this is not a small war, you have war in the half of the Donbass. And what have you done?
– Here, it is the federalization that itches, very strong.
– It should be set warm. Grease it with hryvnias. You need sleep and quiet.
– Donbass itches very hard. Doctor, do something!
– I’ll have to bother you!
– Why, because the price of drugs?
– Drugs? The drug… it will be rather an operation, and a difficult one.
– An operation?
– Yes, don’t worry anymore for your Donbass. We will remove it.
– What are you talking about, to remove it?
– Amputate!
– Doctor, no!
– Yes! Otherwise, the outcome will be fatal.
– No doctor, I am in favor to grease it with hryvnias!
– What hryvnias? You, indeed! And there, the dollar will be useless!
– And euros? Soon, I’ll have plenty of euros!
– The euro is pointless, there.
– I do not believe you doctor, I was told that this could help me!
– Who told you this?
– The euro-therapist. He said that the euro was good to cure everything.
– The euro is good for those who have a healthy economy, you understand?
– But what should be done, then?
– Amputate!
– But… I wanted instead to you sew me the Crimea up…
– The Crimea?
– Yes. It has been removed from me!
– And where is it?
– There, in the waiting room, sitting with the Russia.
– Let Them come in.
The Russia and Crimea entered the doctor’s office.
– Here, it is him who removed it from me.
– I understand. It was to be expected.
– Would you sew it back to me?
– It will come off again.
– But this is not possible!
– It was hanging by a “Perekop”.
– Yes, but it was hanging!
– Until someone began to poke and shake it. Did you do it?
– No.
– This is not true, it is you who did shake it, I see it clearly.
– I will not poke and shake it anymore, sew it back on me!
– What do you mean by ‘I will not poke and shake it anymore? Do you really believe in what you are saying?
– Yes!
– For me, things are clear, you have three options left.
– There is something odd here…
– It is either the psychiatrist, an amputation, or the Communists.
– The Communists?
– They will put you through a sociotherapy.
– What is that?
– A part built factories, and another goes into the camps.
– No, I do not want that. I want the euros!
– And when you go to the Communists, take Russia with you.
– Why?
– For the camps. You’ve never built camps, your climate is too mild.
– Doctor, I do not want that!
– And stop scratching Kharkov and Odessa.
– But I don’t scratch!
– What are telling there? I see it clearly!
– Doctor, you could try with pills? Or go burn candles somewhere?
– If you do not do what I tell you, go burn a candle, but today! And by the psychiatrist! And try to be there by 4 p.m., otherwise you will arrive too late! Yes, that’s it, go and see the psychiatrist! You must get a treatment!
Brilliant! I love Russian humour. It’s rather like traditional British irony, but even darker. Yet always with a logical backbone.
More humor: the reset button.
http://sputniknews.com/europe/20150401/1020328220.html
In early April, Ukraine plans to start wall building on the border with Russia. Brussels is not delighted about the fact that Kiev will spend a substantial part of the EU aid package for this purpose.
The construction of the wall on the border with Russia is expected to start early April, but the EU countries are far from being excited about this new project, “Deutsche Wirtschafts Nachrichten” reported.
An agreement with the European Union provides for the strengthening o
http://theiranproject.com/blog/2015/01/07/palestine-to-join-icc-on-april-1-ki-moon/
United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon says Palestine will join the International Criminal Court (ICC) on April 1.
In a statement posted on the UN’s treaty website on Tuesday night, the secretary-general said, “The statute will enter into force for the State of Palestine on April 1, 2015.”
On Monday, Herman von Herbel, who serves as ICC registrar, confirmed that the body has received documents by Palestine declaring its acceptance of the body’s jurisdiction. This paves the way for the court’s investigation of Israeli crimes committed during the recent war on Gaza.
The United States and Israel, along with Sudan, have said that they no longer intend to become states parties and, therefore, have no legal obligations arising from their former representatives’ signature of the Statute.
Once I heard that joke, also about a school.
1992. In a School in Moscow, theeacher is applyin new State-ecucation plan. He has to explait to the children what is “liberal-democratization” and the benefits that this is causing to Russia. One student asks: “And that liberal-democratization can also be applied in Cuba?” “yes, Vova, yes, it can be… but why do you hate so much the Cubans?”
Another about the shoccl:
1995. Svetlana goes to home after the school, where she has learned the advanteges of the market-system. She explains it to her grandmother, that capitalism brignindividual effort and scrifice, but after a period of it, the individual and society gets its desercved prize: prosperity and democracy. Grandma asks:
-Svetlana, and when that liberal-cappitalist prosperity comes… what alike woul be our Russia?
-Grandma, at this time, schools would be fine, roads will be fixed, transport-ssytem would be OK, more and more entreprises will be started, cities will be bult were only potato-fields are now, employment will be full, salaries will beOK, and shops will be full of food.
-Ahhh, just as in Stalin times!
About the hopes of the “reform”-liberals:
1993. Russia’s economy is crushing down, there are cuts in the salaries, unemployment is high, cuts in the basic services, homeless people increasing… two citizens are going in the street, and one syas to the other…
-Stanislav, after these efforts, these hard-perios, will we see the prosperity of the free-market democracy they promise coming at once?
-We? I do not think so, but our children… oh, poor children.
(Other version is “-Stanislav, have we reached to the full democratization stage? -No, things can get even worse!”)
Now one about the USSR Brezhnev times:
“The seven miracles of Socialism”:
“There is no unemplyment, althuough no on works. No one works, but the state-plans are fulfilled. State-plans are fulfilled,, but shops are empty. Shops are empty but hom-stocks are full. Home-stocks are full but no one is happy with the system. No one is happy with the system but all people votes for it!”
I was laughing so hard I couldn’t finish reading it. This was appreciated, we need to laugh to keep our sanity.
Vladimir Putin tells Russian American spy KGB anecdote joke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbinNj5cZSg
Looks like links to pictures died. Damn LL code, trying to prevent reposts.
Just click the “compiled by Tatzhit” link to see them.