I have a file. It’s a file with a collection of headlines, articles and opinions for the Onion online magazine. I worked on it for a while. A prospect of becoming an anonymous political satirist tickled my fancy. I talked to myself. I rubbed my cold bony hands and chuckled, imagining the effect my jokes would bring on unsuspected readers. Devastating like a Kalibr missile…

Today, however, I discovered that the Onion doesn’t consider unsolicited submissions.

Briefly, I grieved over all the missed opportunities in life, like seeing the following headline:

Philadelphia stays unscathed, while a Russian Missile Hits the East Coast devastating New York and D.C., actually looks better than before.

The day before the Nuclear Security Summit, Petro was scheduled to meet with his “supporters,” but the White House didn’t want this to happen, so they played their “unknown shooter on the loose in Capitol,” routine and placed the whole town on a lockdown. As a result, a lucky few holders of personal invitations got a chance to see and smell Poroshenko.

Ben Solomon posted on the flickr of the U.S. Department of State pictures of the Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko’s arrival for Nuclear Security Summit Dinner Hosted by President Barack Obama at the White House in Washington, D.C. on March 31, 2016. Petro, who was wearing the lucky gray PJ he has refused to take off since day one of his presidency,  was greeted by a couple of Marines in long white underpants. Even though he used his left hand to hold a hernia, and his right hand to hold his pants, he was still greeted warmly and took pictures with other similarly bewildered dignitaries from other non-nuclear countries.

Who wasn’t met at all by anyone in the US was a brand new seven meter long Russian missile, who flew all the way from Kapustin Yar (Cabbage Patch) by herself to meet the most influential people in the world like Poroshenko and the other guy with a towel on his head. Ignored by the US anti-missile shield system that the Government pays $3bln annually to maintain,  a young single missile elegantly slipped pass the  formidable US air force that couldn’t fly on September 11, 2001 and still can’t.

According to some Russian bloggers who know everything, the frustrated representative of Russia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs wrote the following day, that at least Poroshenko was greeted by the cleaning leady in his hotel, but the 3М-22 «Zircon-С» came completely unnoticed by everyone. “She was flying over there like a complete fool,”  wrote in her FB another MFA official. ” She flew over the White House three times and twice over Pentagon. Not a beep. Nothing.” “She was making circles over all the US military bases, and their newest anti-missile systems, and radars. Excuse me, how is it possible not to notice a shiny brand new missile seven meters long, with all those wings and stuff? It was moving at the ridiculous low speed of 2ks .”

I don’t know how hard it is to notice a missile moving a meager 2klm per second. I happened to be not far from its trajectory and even tried to take a picture of it. However, my Nikon Rebel is not what it used to be, and all I could catch was a blooming cherry tree, and a pale contrail.

Otherwise, a nuclear summit went uneventful and everyone’s conclusion was to dissolve the summit and to never see each other again.

  1. “Cooking” a new term in Russian aviation. Meaning: flying in front of the USS Donald Cook on a day when it’s toilet is clogged.
  2. Tarik Nezalejko: “Two years ago my former-friends called me “separatist” and I called them “morons.” Today, they don’t think any longer that I am a separatist, but I still think that they are all morons. Conclusion: separatist is variable value, and moron is constant.
  3. – Groisman refused to become a prime minister of Ukraine.

– Germany pledged $100bln to Ukraine

– Groisman agreed to become a prime minister of Ukraine.

  1. Groisman finished his inaugural speech with words: Glory to the nation. After that, whole Rada started singing Hava Nagila with a Georgian accent, to stress the cultural independence of Ukraine.
  2. In theory, if you don’t buy anything then prices are not that high.
  3. The US refuses to recognize the legitimacy of the Syrian elections. Two years ago it would be a death sentence to a nation. Now, no one cares any longer what Washington says.
  4. Brussels had refused to cooperate with the US secret services in regard to the anti-terror operations. Obviously, Belgians have finally realized who is behind those terror attacks.
  5. Finality I learned the history of Japan

No, this is not Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden