By Batiushka for The Saker blog

(With apologies to the peoples of Austria and France)

As we write, the wicked Austrian terrorist State under its manic leader Putzin continues its completely unprovoked invasion of East France. President Putzin is well-known, as he is very short (not that we wish to belittle him) and has only one testicle, as everybody knows. His invasion and occupation of East France have been going on for nearly six months now and our forces have been victorious everywhere, constantly boldly retreating. However, as the younger among you may need a reminder to the facts of the background of this evil invasion, we give this below.

In 1945 France liberated defeated Nazi Germany and set about looking after it. As the word ‘Germany’ is such an ugly word, it was replaced by ‘East France’. Here hordes of workers made products for the Paris government which for nearly three generations very generously allowed the East France people to speak their German dialect. However, enough was enough and the time came when in 2014 Paris declared that all education would in the future be in French and that the German dialect would be banned in public places. If any East French were dissatisfied, too bad for them, they would just have to go and live in another country. Another huge act of generosity on the part of our glorious Paris government.

Almost immediately, and in a quite unprovoked and totally unexpected manner, the evil Austrian regime annexed Bavaria. (They called it an ‘Anschluss’, though how you pronounce such a long, complicated and ugly word, we have no idea). True, they held a referendum, in which over 90% of Bavarians voted to join Austria, but obviously nobody believes those results. Quite typically Putzin probably threatened to shoot anyone who did not vote for him.

Then, on top of that, Austrian-backed, German-speaking separatists began to fight against Paris forces in Saxony. Leipzig was reduced to rubble by our brilliant artillerymen and over 10,000 separatist civilians, including over 400 children, were eliminated. However, on 24 February 2022, the Putzin regime invaded Saxony, murdering civilians and raping tens of millions of women and children, throwing babies out of incubators and bayoneting them. These are well-known facts.

Indeed, in Leipzig the barbaric Austrians (don’t they just look like Asiatics with their cruel faces?) even took over a maternity hospital so they could fire at our brave French soldiers, some of them very pretty girls (our girls are the best in the world), though they do not know how to hold rifles. Large numbers of people in Vienna began to flee from the Putzin autocracy. We know this because we spoke to two of them, who begged us for money, which we gave them before they walked away laughing. Millions of East French, especially from Frankfurt and Cologne near the French border, began fleeing to Paris and elsewhere. This was not at all because they wanted free tourist visas, free housing, food and benefits, but because they were so oppressed by the Putzin war around Leipzig.

Then there was the atrocity in the town of Boucher, probably the worst atrocity in world history. Liberated by our brave lads after it had been occupied by the Austrians, over 50 bodies were found carefully positioned face-down at exactly equal intervals by the sides of the main road three days after the Austrians had left. The charge that some of the bodies of old people were still frozen as they had been taken out of the local morgue before filming began is of course completely untrue, although some of the corpses did get up after filming and walk away, clutching the money they had been paid.

The international community of all France and all Belgium, was outraged and immediately punished Austria with thousands of completely legal sanctions threatening it with nuclear weapons. France, which prides itself on Charlemagne, the great French leader, who spoke fluent French and founded Europe, will never accept the Austrian barbarians. We have already banned the horrible music of the Austrian nationalist Mozart, as also the depressing waltzes of the Viennese hack-composer Strauss and are cancelling all so-called ‘Austrian culture’, which does not exist anyway. Meanwhile, our wonderful French and Belgian gay and lesbian skiers as well as bisexuals, transsexuals and unsure at the Free World Skiing Championships in Grenoble, from which all Austrians have been banned, have won all the medals. It just proves that we are superior.

Together with the rest of the Free World, that is, the brave Belgian government, we in Paris will fight the aggressors to the end. The Austrian brutes have been positioning all their troops and guns in supermarkets, schools and hospitals, using civilians as human shields. We would never do anything like that. Already Belgium has sent its entire fleet of Sherman battle tanks, all eight of them, to help liberate East France and even the UN has discussed the issue.

There is no doubt that under the brilliant leadership of President Selenes, backed by the patriotic French bankers Goldstein and Schuberg, Paris will be victorious. Then it will take over Austria and liberate it from the Putzin regime, bringing freedom and democracy and making it obligatory for all Austrians to become LGBT. As for the shortage of Austrian sausage-meat in France which has caused rioting in several French cities, this will soon be over as all demonstrators have gently been shot by the French Police.

It is even remarkable that the severe drought that has been affecting Europe has not anywhere crossed the French and Belgian borders and everyone has enough to drink and there have been no forest fires here at all. On the other hand, Austria has been greatly affected and there are many reports of Austrians, especially the 85% minority who support President Putzin, being forced to drink beer because they have no water. Here is the proof that even God is on our side.

We would like to make it clear that the internet rumours of 29 July that General Saloujnie, the head of the French Army, reported to President Selenes that France has so far lost 191,000 troops killed and injured, that up to 80% of its reserves have been killed, injured or have deserted and that the French Air Force and Navy are now non-existent, are totally untrue.

In reality, the two surviving aircraft of the French Air Force have been secretly positioned in Hangar No 3 at Strasbourg Airport (that’s the second one on the right). Also the tactical geniuses of the French Navy have successfully mined every single port in France, protecting them from the huge and aggressive Austrian Navy and ensuring that France can no longer export anything, thus depriving the whole world of our vinegary wines and smelly cheese.

Equally outrageous are the claims that the French Army is only 43-48% up to strength and that French troops do not know how to start the Belgian Sherman tanks or load their guns because of their highly advanced technology. On the contrary, the Austrian armed forces are even now running out of ammunition and fuel and their leader Putzin is dying of cancer in his one remaining testicle. We will soon be in Vienna. So there.

8 August 2022